Three vampires go to a bar. One orders a pint of human blood, the second a shot of rat blood, and the third a mug of hot water.
The other two vampires look at him strangely and ask why a vampire would order a mug of hot water. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a used tampon, and exclaimed, “Tea time!”
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What did the Easter egg say to the boiling water?
“It’s going to take me a while to get hard, I was laid this morning”
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”
The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: “What are you thinking now?”
He replied: “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
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Guy goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he only has 2 bucks to spend. she says “we have a dead hooker on teh 3rd floor. you can fuck her. He goes upstairs, comes down a little while later and she asks how it was. “great” he says ” except her nose kept running”
“Oh, she’s probably full”
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A guy is walking on the beach, and sees an arm-less, leg-less girl laying in the sand sobbing. he asks her what’s wrong; she replies, “i’ve never been fucked.” so he throws her in the ocean.
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Three old men are sitting on a park bench, complaining about old age. Old Man #1 says, “dammit, I hate old age! Every morning I wake up at 5:30 to take a piss, and my dick’s so wrinkled up that all I can get is this little trickle. It takes me 15 goddamn minutes just to empty my bladder!”
Old Man #2 says, “that’s nothing! Every morning I get up at 5:00 to take a dump. My goddamn constipation is so bad that I’m sitting on the goddamned toilet for an hour and a half. I don’t get off the toilet until 6:30!”
Old Man #3 says, “every morning at 6:00 I piss like a racehorse, voiding every drop of moisture in my bladder. Then, promptly at 6:05, I shit like a pig, emptying my bowels.”
“That’s great!” said the other two old men. “What’s your problem?”
“I don’t wake up until 7!” the third old man replied.
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A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, “What are these things daddy?” His dad said, “Condoms son.” The boy asked, “Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?” The dad replied, “The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March….”
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A drunken man was stumbling home one night. As he walked past a pumpkin patch he began wondering about vegetality, so he poked a hole in one of the larger pumpkins and began fucking it.
A short time later, a police officer, walked up, and said, “Just what do you think you are doing?”
The man looked up from what he was doing, saw the police officer, and said, “Is it midnight already?”
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