1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time. (Ladies…always remember this one)
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like “The Force”. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things get worse.
So how many of you are just worthless sheep that are going through the motions of Easter because it’s another one of those stupid family holidays… I know who you are and how you think…I was probably one of them… Yet my education has evolved and now it’s still a family holiday more than a religious one, I still respect the evolution of this fine time. See who knew a bunch of Aliens would bring stone statues and colored egg bearing rabbits to our planet on the same weekend. I just hope they are not taking notes from Martha Stewart. 
This is actually old news but WHAT!?! is this country coming to! How are these people so conservative that they can not stand to look at the naked breasts of a national monument symbolizing our nation’s mantra of freedom and justice for all? How is this pornographic? Maybe if the lady justice had nipple clamps, a sex toy in one hand and a tube o lube in the other (for Ashcroft’s ass) but come on! The European community, have been and are still, laughing their ass off at how critical this country is about the human form. Ashcroft: “Yes they are breasts! Everyone has them, and you should try to take your mouth off you’re mom’s and go find a few to play with yourself!”