Author: Austin Vegas

Posted on

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed .

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Posted on

That phone call I wish I took

It’s Summerstage Saturday, and we make a late ditch effort to get up to Central Park to catch one of my favorite NY Hip Hop artist’s: Q-Tip. He’s rocking a show today and as we walk up at 2:30 pm, the line to get in, is horrendously long. This is typical for many big acts, and if you’re not in the park by 12 for them, you’ll most likely be enjoying a good sun tan in line, rather than the show going on 2 football fields away.

We packed a cooler of wine and beer, snacks and a large blanket, and join the smart people just outside the venue under the trees. Even though you can barely see the stage, you can hear the show just as well, and the park around the venue is always filled with fans you can head nod with when “Electric Relaxation” drops.

The Q-Tip show off the hook and one of my fonder concert moments in the park next to hearing Beastie Boys. Being so into it, I missed a call from mom and was able to check the voicemail about an hour after it was left.

As it starts, I could barely hear the message, the noise of sniffling and obvious concern was all I could hear as there was still music playing. I knew instantly something was wrong and ran clear of the stage to hear the rest of the message. What I could make out was my father was in a motorcycle accident, was airlifted to a hospital and Mom wasn’t sure if he’d make it.

At that moment everything around me disappeared.

I replayed the message over and over to get what ever info I could and called her back. First home – no answer- and then the cell which went straight to voicemail. I called my sister and left her a short frantic message: “What happened to dad? Call me back!” Called mom again. Called my uncle but he’d changed his number. Called my cousins – voicemail again. Called my neighbors and again, no answer. I’m in the dark…

My heart has sunk, I’m lost, confused, don’t know anything except that all I know is my Dad is dying. I continue to call the people I know with no result as I walk back to our party blanket. The party is over and I let my friends know I need to go.

Hungry and uninformed, we take a cab (still in cell phone range) down to Curry Hill to get some food, but I’m uncertain I’ll be able to eat. I already contemplate looking for flights home on Sunday but want to hear news first before I book. While I’m sitting at Dhaba staring at food I should eat but can’t stomach right now…. then finally I receive the call.

My mom’s been in the ICU and hasn’t been able to call me. She’s distraught, uncertain of the outcome of my father but she’s spoken to him and he seems to be positive. Apparently he went out early in the day to Carnegie to meet a friend, that was late and decided to hit the trails solo. After 30 min, he started to hit some big trails and got into trouble coming down a hill and rolled the ATV coming off too fast on a berm. Bouncing down a hill, he was banged up and with no one around, crawled a mile or two until someone else found him. Paramedics were called and he needed to be air lifted to the hospital, where they were “working on him” to keep him alive. Serious.

Mom was having trouble articulating but apparently he’s broken 8 ribs, shoulder, leg and the most serious a punctured lung which is filling with fluid. He’s not in pain with all the morphine pumping but has come out of surgery and already calling to make sure the ATV, gas tank and his gear is not stolen. I’m going to talk with him today and determine if I need to head out there on Monday.

My thoughts, love and prayers are going out to my father for a complete recovery.

A Tribe Called Quest: Electric Relaxation
[audio:Electric_Relaxation.mp3]

A Tribe Called Quest: Stressed Out (LP Version)
[audio:Stressed_Out.mp3]

Photo credit to Peter Ruprecht

Posted on

Why Americans love Olive Garden

Fast Company has an interesting post about Why American’s are addicted to Olive Garden….

It speaks to their success that the employee is as much a part of it as the customer experience. The “waiter, interacting with customers, shaping their dining experience, and getting rewarded for it” is integral to the dining experience at OG and it’s not far off from the reality of quality Fortune 500 companies. The Olive Garden brand is built around the notion that guests are treated like family, but Pickens knows that isn’t likely to happen unless employees feel like family too.

Customer feedback and market intelligence is another key to their brand strength They’re constantly polling their customers to get a touch for how the market changes and leveraging technology at every point in their operation to get real time visibility into sales, growth and inventory numbers to keep their operations business running at optimum.

Over the past two years, Darden has reduced unplanned hours by more than 40% and trimmed excess food costs by 10%. “We don’t want zero waste,” says White, “because we don’t want to run out of anything on the menu.” The goal is no more than 9% waste, and the system tells each restaurant how it’s doing.

Noted in this piece is that, today, the average American has 79 sit-down meals in restaurants per year, 16% fewer than 15 years ago, according to analyst Harry Balzer of market-research firm NPD Group. Meanwhile, the number of casual-dining restaurants has grown at roughly twice the rate of population. This is about 1.5 per week, and I just recently learned that San Francisco has the highest numbers of restaurant patrons of any city in the US. I’m sure NY is not far behind.

There was a minimal focus within the article about the food, except for the last statement “Red Lobster may be serving more grilled salmon and less fried flounder. But no one is messing with the cheese biscuits.” Sure those biscuits are great, but still not enough over take m desire for fresh pasta and Italian food or seafood from my favorite local spots over this chain.