Open Champagne like a Pirate

I know everyone loves a little celebratory bubbly; from Dom Pérignon, Krug, Cristal, or the elite Clos du Mesnil, but there are several ways to start this party. Of course there’s a standard way to open the bottle, a wrong way and the impressive way: Decapitate the top with sword play.

Now I know not everyone can brings their sabers to the club to impress the ladies, but at a home party (preferably with lots of room, unlike Manhattan), you too can say, I’ve got an impressive “skill to show with my sword”, in public with a straight face. Here’s your instructions, should you choose to accept them (from UD).

1. DISROBE YOUR BUBBLY: Take your well-chilled bottle of champagne and remove both the foil and the wire cage covering the cork (as you probably know, it’s essential the bottle be well-chilled to avoid leakage, foaming and premature cork-popping).

2. LOCATE YOUR TARGET: Locate one of the two vertical seams running up the side of the bottle. Where the seam meets the lower lip of the bottle is the point at which you’ll aim.

3. CONTROL YOUR SABER: Grip the bottle firmly around the base. Point the bottle at a 30-45 degree angle away from all people, windows and, obviously, flat screen TVs. Now take your saber, samurai sword or the back edge of a chef’s knife and lay the blade flat, just below the lip at the weak spot.

4. MOMENT OF TRUTH: Draw the sword back along the seam and then swing with full force away from your body, upward and into the bottom of the lip. Don’t forget to follow through (as with any sport, see the cork popping, be the ball). To minimize spillage, turn the bottle upright immediately afterward.

5. VICTORY: If done right, the cork and bottle top will thrust several feet into the air, and you will lose no more than an ounce of your champagne. And you will be a hero.

Of course, as with anything, practice, practice practice to be top notch in this event.

Wouldn’t We All Like to be Money Rounders Pulling Fredos?

So two things seem to come up more offer than most in my post work discussions. Money and Women. They both are evil, can corrupt even the strongest of men and in the world of today, the more of them you have, they really just bring more problems than solutions. Well the last one holds more true for women more than money…But alas I cannot take my damn hands off either of em. So I’ve come up with a few simple rules of wisdom, with the help of the Swingers, that can help you get both in life without too many headaches:

#1 There are No Rules in This Game. Believe it or not being genuine is much more refreshing and will get you a lot farther than bullshit.
#2 Team Play. Didn’t kindergarten teach you anything? Work together, and have fun. You’ll get more accomplished with better results. “Where’s my wingman?”
#3 Less is More. It’s not about what you say. It’s how you listen.
#4 Women Aren’t Dumb. The B side is: Money is not easy. Manipulation should be subtle and insults get you NO WHERE.
#5 Be Honest… with yourself and with your dealings. Get straight to the point. If you want the sale ask for it. Don’t be interested in the brand name when you both know you want to see the pants on the floor in your bedroom.
#6 If You Must Lie. Keep it simple and as close to the truth as possible. Lying is bad business but in some personal settings it’s needed to smoothes things over.
#7 Setting the tone. Be confident and comfortable with who and what you have. It’s attractive and presents superiority that most lack. Never apologize for anything. Focus on the benefits not the negatives.
#8 Timing is Everything. If you are pushy or early you look desperate. Be patient and casual. There’s nothing like a good entrance.
#9 Deer in the Headlights. Everyone wants a mystery. Keep it a challenge and drive the needs rather than the wants.
#10 The Law of the Jungle. The strongest will survive. The competition is fierce so always give yourself the edge. A sense of self-respect makes all the difference in the world.
#11 Never bring up old shit. Never bring up ex-boyfriends, partners, encounters or old (sour) news. It will never benefit you and you don’t need to know.
#12 Be a Bad Man. My boys and I call this Owning. Don’t hide the fact that you like sex. We aren’t 14 man. Own your sexuality and don’t apologize for it. On the money side: You want it right. Go after it!
#13 The Waiting Game. The deal goes sour without foreplay. The babies love that shit. No reason to pop off in the first round when you know it’s scheduled for 10. Again don’t be desperate and take your time boy!
#14 Grace Under Pressure. The golden rule is keep it simple. Don’t try to over explain who you are or how you’re feeling (what you are selling). In leaving a message, remind them of something shared, don’t expect them to remember you by voice and name alone.
#15 Skip the Birdseed. Sometimes it just happens. Close the deal then and there. Don’t try to over sell your position when it’s all working now.
#16 Trust Yourself. Play your game not someone else’s. Stick with what feels right. Even if you fail, you’ve learned something and use it to better yourself the next pull.

And because I’m focusing on Money and Women, well what better way to have both than with a trip to Las Vegas. Yup. I’ve booked the flight to the city of sin and next comes the love, but don’t expect me to drop money at the Chicken ranch. The next episode I’ll come with some related links…