Christmas again today

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Jan 092010

Ridiculous al a cart airline pricing prevented my from taking home any of the holiday gifts I received from friends and family this past year. So this year I shipped everything to myself and flew back empty handed. Today, however, I get Christmas morning all over again as the UPS man huffed up 4 large packages of my loot. As I sliced open boxes filled packed well with bubble wrapped wine, cookbooks, and of course socks (the below are not my feet), that childish smile returned as I have new reading material for the month and a new grill pan for those left over Omaha Steaks I have in the freezer.

Jack Johnson – Bubble Toes

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Top 10 Christmas Movies to remember the holidays

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Dec 222008

Ah happy day. The day that all those Christmas movies will stop playing (that and some dog movie starts up tonight), and of course some families gather and celebrate the “holiday’s”. I just caught a show on the history of Christmas and learned a few interesting things in passing. Christmas Trees derive from pre-Christian Germanic paganism where the tradition of decorating fir trees and evergreens in the winter was to signify the solstice. I also understand that Christmas started as a pagan festival spanning most of the month of December even before anyone had heard of Jesus Christ. Last, most historians believe Jesus was not born on the 25th. I’ll be relaying this to my Jehovah family that’s actually joining us this year for dinner.

Back to movies, here’s my top 10 Christmas movies – in no particular order:

  • The Christmas Story – Ah Ralphie, we all felt your pain in reaching for that Red Ryder BB Gun, finally getting it and then… shooting your eye out. “Only one thing in the world could’ve dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. “
  • National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – “Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We’re all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. ” That pretty much sums it up.
  • Elf – I seriously saw parts of this movie at least every other day this whole month. “It’s just like Santa’s workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms… and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me… “
  • Gremlins’ – ah the simple movie of how ignorance and human error brings considerable chaos and evil to all…. and partying with your friends for the holidays! What a great film. – “The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus. “
  • Die Hard – Die Hard can arguably be one of the best action films of the 80’s and it helped catapult Bruce Willis to star material as he portrayed the most real and vulnerable action start to date. – “Hey babe, I negotiate million dollar deals for breakfast. I think I can handle this Eurotrash. “
  • Love Actually – I didn’t like the movie at first but it grew on me after a few viewings. I’ve even karaoke’d Mariah Carey’s hit song on the bus. – “Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
    Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
  • Scrooged – Bill Murry is one of my early favorite comics and how can you not enjoy is Frank Cross character: “The bitch hit me with a toaster.” or “I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives. “
  • The Simpsons Christmas Special – now when they merge the Halloween special with the Christmas one, that will take this show to the top of my list. – “Homer: Aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!
    Clerk: That’s right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.
  • How the Grinch Stole Christmas – this one was a toss up from the animated Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and the animated version of this soul warmer where the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day- “And his fib fooled the child. So he patted her head, he gave her a drink and he sent her to bed. And when Cindy Lou Who was in bed with her cup, he crupt to the chimney and stuffed the tree up. Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar, and the last thing he took was the log for their fire. On the walls he left only hooks and some wire. And the one speck of food that he left in the house was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse”.
  • The Nightmare Before Christmas – What the Simpson’s didn’t do, Tim Burton succeeded – “Jack Skellington: [singing] There’s children throwing snowballs / instead of throwing heads / they’re busy building toys / and absolutely no one’s dead!”

All I want for Christmas…

 Music, Society  Comments Off on All I want for Christmas…
Dec 222006

I had it out with the woman this week about the best modern Christmas songs (not a cover, originally written) that will eventually, if not already, will be come a classic. Of course we love to sing along with the carolers group, Hanky the Christmas Poo but my initial vote was for Mariah Carey’s contribution from 1994 even though this song is on many people’s best and worst lists.

My top favorite Christmas track is actually a cover but know one really knows who the real singer and song writer is so it doesn’t matter (fyi: Blue Christmas was written by Billy Hayes and Jay W. Johnson and first recorded by Ernest Tubb in 1948).

Some of my other favorites are Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”, John Lennon’s “Happy Christmas (War is Over)”, Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)”, Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song”, and some fun with “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy.

Holidays at the Met

 Music, Society  Comments Off on Holidays at the Met
Dec 162006

My woman and I took part in some traditional (and traditional I can refer to early 1800s music, or the whole act) New York experiences. We attended an evening classical concert at the Metropolitan Museum of Art last Thursday. We arrived shortly after work, and settled into the Medieval Sculpture Hall of the MET for the concert. An intimate setting in front of the classically decorated Christmas tree and a vivid 18th-century Neapolitan Baroque crèche. The embellished with a profuse array of diminutive, lifelike attendant figures and hovering, silk-robed angels, adorns the candlelit spruce. Aside from the Nautica dressed brats in the rows in front of me, the scene took me back to a 1700s church reception for the birth of Christ.

The Orpheus Chamber Orchestra (Official site) played two sessions of Johann Sebastian Bach’s, Cantata No. 133, Ich freue mich in dir, and Cantata No. 40, Dazu ist erschienen der Sohn Gottes; each if you can’t tell by name were sung in German. We attended the latter performance at 8:30 with a few friends.

Ordinarily I’m put off by classical music, primarily because I don’t listen enough to it, to understand it. Although when I do hear it, my experience with vocal-less composures of modern dance music, have trained my ear to hear the nuances of each cord, expressions in each beat, and melodies of the pieces so as to understand the difference between typical composures and great ones. I tend to close my eyes to hear better at times, and of course my girlfriend took this as napping but none the less, I did enjoy the performance and it was well worth my time.

I had intended to take pictures, however, after taking just this first one, I was reprimanded by museum staff that photography was prohibited. Notice the no camera sign in the picture below.

The serpent that in paradise
Upon all Adam’s children
The bane of souls did cause to fall
Brings us no danger more;
The woman’s seed is manifest,
The Savior is in flesh appearéd
And hath from it removed all venom.
Take comfort then, O troubled sinner!

Dear Santa

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Dec 082006

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I’v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?


Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to
give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays. I bet you’re gay. I’ll set you up with a Barbie.


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table…. Hey, you wanted to know.


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I’m skipping your house.


Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.


Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop callling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,